An Argument In Support of Gay Marriage

            Gay marriage has been a hot topic of debate over the last several years and yesterday’s events added several logs to the fire. Not only was it announced that North Carolina voters approved a constitutional amendment outlawing gay marriage by a significant margin, but Barack Obama, President of the United States of America, announced his support for allowing gay marriage. Given all that is being written on the subject I can’t resist weighing in with my own thoughts, several of which I consider to be fundamental considerations most people are simply passing over.

            First off, let’s get the whole religious debate out of the way. Yes, I’m aware that The Bible says in the book of Leviticus that for a man to lie with mankind as he does with womankind is an abomination. Taking for granted that The Bible is the literal word of God, a Grant Rant for some other time, shouldn’t the other rules about marriage contained therein be codified by state law as well? After all, mere verses before God tells us that homosexuality is a crime he also says, in Verse 6, “None of you shall approach to any that is near of kin to him, to uncover their nakedness: I am the LORD.” What state which makes illegal same-sex marriage would yet allow first cousins to marry? I’ll give you a hint; they recently passed a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage even though it was already illegal in the state. North Carolina, of course! A little consistency in a literal interpretation would be nice, but hey, who’s keeping track? Lastly, my favorite hypocrisy coming from Leviticus isn’t the penalty of death for a man who sleeps with a woman engaged to someone else, (after all that one’s true, God was clearly trying to kill Bobby Petrino in his motorcycle accident) but from Chapter 15, Verse 19 “And if a woman have an issue, and her issue in her flesh be blood, she shall be put apart seven days: and whosoever toucheth her shall be unclean until the even.” Now, while I understand what God was getting at here because all men know the very real fear of trying to interact with an even more irrational woman than normal (please don’t hurt me ladies, it’s just a joke, I promise, you don’t turn into raging, hormonal lunatics at all), I don’t know anyone who advocates for such a ludicrous policy. When was the last time you saw a man who preaches against same-sex marriage on religious grounds lock up his wife for a week every month? Can we please agree that even allowing for The Bible as the end all be all of personal moral codes, it probably isn’t the best place in which to get ideas for social policy?

            Moving away from religion’s connection to this debate, there are a host of other arguments which favor gay marriage. I hope you’ve been reading the news or simply been observant enough traveling about town to already know, but America is getting pretty fat. Have you seen the stereotypical gay guy on TV? They all workout like crazy. They would do a much better job raising kids by teaching their kids good eating habits and encouraging exercise. Forget Jamie Oliver and healthy school lunches, gay dads are the way to slim down America. Next, the whole homophobic, gay sex is gross squabble is absurd. Aside from the fact that two people loving each other could be nothing but beautiful, how many of your friends have significant others you find completely hideous? Be honest. We all have buddies with hot girlfriends we always invite to go hangout at the beach and couple friends where the girlfriend is so ugly we only invite them to catch a movie so we don’t have to look at them while we talk in a dark theater. Don’t tell me gay sex is too gross to be allowed because if gross sex was a disqualifier for a relationship half of my straight buddies would never be allowed to marry because either they or their gal is simply too ugly, and it’s mostly the former. Plus, how many of the movies you delete from your Netflix history feature two actresses, shall we say, prominently. I know, I know, The Bible verse I quoted earlier doesn’t say anything about womankind lying with womankind being an abomination (proof God is a dude), but next time you hear some macho guy bashing how unnatural being gay is kindly remind them they never seem to mind when their wife is out of town.

Allow me to point out one more hypocrisy before I conclude. The big debate raging in our country is what the scope of the federal government should be. It seems a little silly to me to argue for limited government (my view) and at the same time vehemently defend the government’s right to limit the social liberties of its citizens. Shouldn’t we let individuals make their own decisions about their relationships without trying to legislate or punish those choices? After all, a very wise man once said about an adulterer in danger of being stoned to death for her choices, “He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.”

Dogs Are Not Children

Recently I was at a party making small talk with a young married couple I’d never met while waiting in line to grab a drink. Since I get a kick out of the misery in the eyes of young parents coupled with the excitement pouring out of them to have ditched the kids for a night, I always ask, “So any children yet?” In response the wife says, “No kids, but we do have a dog.” Seeing as I was still waiting in line, I lacked the distraction of gazing amorously at the whiskey in my hand and proceeded to Grant Rant to myself over this woman’s lunacy.

Dogs are not children. It’s fine if you’d like to change the subject, but please don’t compare having a dog with having a child. First, you’re a stranger, so I don’t really care about your kids, but at least I get a bit of sadistic joy out of your sleepless nights, and occasionally luck out with a hilarious story about how you somehow let your kid get into a bottle of ibuprofen or get his leg stuck in a coffee table which he needed to be sawed out of (two true stories, one father). But lady, I could care less about the little rat dog you let sit on your lap while you drive expect of course to think that it’s dangerous and insane. Then she proceeds to refer to herself as “Mommy” and her husband as “Daddy.” Again, we’re talking about a dog. While your own spawn may grow up to eat out of the garbage and shit in the park, owning a dog that does the same doesn’t qualify you to be titled Mommy and Daddy. As much as you’ll wish you could spay your promiscuous daughter someday, you can’t. Furthermore, what messed up Freudian shit do you have going on that you need to unnecessarily call your husband Daddy? Perhaps that should be saved for another rant, but I’ve never understood that other than to think it gross.

Finally, the Christmas cards you sent out with pictures of your dog don’t sound “cute.” If I wanted to see pictures of cute dogs I’d search puppies on Google. You know what I do with Christmas cards from anyone other than my closest friends? I look at them for a few seconds, think it’s nice that several years ago they liked me enough to add me to their outlook contact list, and promptly throw it away. Putting your dog on the card did get me to look at the card a little longer, but only long enough to think you’re a clown for dressing up your dog like a reindeer. So listen clown, dogs are not children, they’re for retrieving downed birds and picking up women at the park, so save the stories about your “kids” until you squeeze one out of your, well, you know.

You're Jealous of All This

Look at this picture for awhile. Notice the manly facial hair, the packers hat, the chiseled body that you wish you could touch, the piercing eyes, and the blistering winter perfection. Stare a little longer. This is the ultimate; this is the goal. This is the happiness that Siddartha was searching for all those years. 

But don't feel discouraged just yet. There might be some hope for you. Read this blog constantly, and you may be able to achieve some sliver of my sheer perfection. You're welcome.

Read and learn, my friend. Read and learn.

Lesson #1

This is my family. Don't be fooled by Kelly's sweet demeanor... she smells REAL bad. 

This is pops. I wouldn't mind being just like him when I'm as old as rocks too, except that I really truly hope I never get so fat.

Pro Tip #1: Go to Colorado one time. It's everything wonderful about the world. 

Remember the goal:

Wearing boots + Loving snakes =

Being a big deal. 

-You're welcome.